Ya Ilahy..
Kemanakah bisa ku bawa diri ini..
Kemanakah harus ku nyatakan hati ini..
Kemanakah harus ku sandarkan keluh ku ini..
Hatiku menghiba..
Jiwaku merana..
Aku rasa kehilangan..
Hilang yang teramat sangat..
Engkau tahukan Ya Allah..
Bertapa aku perlukan-Mu..
Mengharap pada-Mu..
Aku tak mampu hidup sendiri..
Tanpa Engkau..
Aku tiada apa-apa..
Kerana aku ibarat..
Burung yang kepatahan sayap..
Ya Ilahy..
Di saat ini...
Di ketika ini..
Di waktu yang bersisa baki ini..
Aku teramat mengharap dan mendambakan pengampunan-Mu..
Tiada lain yang ku harapkan..
Kerana dengan pengampunan serta redho-Mu..
Hidup ku di berkati..

Tolonglah Ya Allah..
Tolonglah aku yang teramat lemah ini..
Ya Ilahy.. Andai syurga tidak pernah ada untukku..
Aku berharap Engkau sentiasa ada untukku..
Andai syurga tidak pernah tertulis untukku..
Aku berharap aku akan terus menulis nama-Mu di hatiku..
Andai syurga tidak Engkau redho untukku..
Aku berharap redho-Mu sentiasa mengiringiku hingga hujung nyawaku..
Ya Allah.. Degup jantung ini sentiasa mendamba ampunan-Mu..
Setiap alirannya mengalir cinta pada-Mu..
Disaat dosa itu terus berlansung..
Hatiku umpama..
Di remuk..
Di cincang..
Di campak..
Di buang..

Akulah yang menzalimi diri sendiri..
Terimalah aku kembali Ya Allah..
Terimalah taubatku..
Bersihkanlah aku Ya Allah..
Izinkanlah aku menjadi hamba-mu yang di redhai..

Rude Awakenings of Jane Austen Addict - a story ~

I have always been a fan of Jane Austen. I love many things about literature especially this one. Other than reading and learning a few novels of hers throughout my studying years, I watched a few of her films too. There also got one movie from her fanatics (can''t remember the title- oh yes, it's 'Jane Austen Book Club') which I also watched a few years back. And yes, weeks ago I discovered something; club or any of that in one blog (can't remember whose blog- see, I have serious weak remembrance!) about Jane Austen addicts.

Though I like her literature works, I do not support her in a way that she is a feminist. I don't know why. Perhaps its because we cannot favour only one party. Life should be balanced. However in most of her works, I admire the women in there. Other than beauty, they represent many other wonderful little personalities. Am I right?

There is a st0ry ~

There is a story behind this cat I held. To make the story short, there were two cats I've found in my old garage (thought probably someone had thrown them here).I played with this one in the picture for the last few days. The other one- I found it dead today after returning from class. For the first time in my life... I buried a cat. Can't describe the feeling. It was sadness. Its body was very fragile. And still warm too (I think). Guess she will be fine over 'there.'

TESLians Eid Gathering ~

After school, all the TESL communities gathered for Eid celebration. Here are some photos of my colleagues I'd like to share... it's a bright and wonderful day after all...

The Journey Begins ~

I gained strength to carry on teaching today (today's the first day of teaching after enjoying a fanciful Eid school break). My colleagues and I will organize an English camp soon and we had finalized our discussion during our brief meeting today (so unexpected!) I had two relief classes today and it happened that I became relief teacher for the very two classes I teach. I told them stories and I was very animated when I did that. They had a lot of fun and meaningful lesson today through the stories I shared with them. Wishing everyone will experience a wonderful day too, for always...

Hello world, I hope you're listening. Have you ever feel that you are not who you are. Have you ever feel that you are not becoming who you really are? And sometimes you get the wrong impression from other people in which you are not expecting it at all? All this while, I've been missing something. That is, the better half of me. I felt that I need to change many things in myself. At times I feel not right with myself. It' s not the real 'me' who I am becoming. How would you feel if you know that what you do is just not YOU? I often feel this way... that you are in the wrong place... you realize that there's a better half of you and you dreadfully struggle to obtain that...and therefore you fight between the vanities in you.

This fight is not easy... everything we need to be sure of is who we want to be and what are the things we should ultimately have to achieve what we are looking for. Often times our surrounding shape our personal qualities. That's how most people change. However I don't want to be lost in my own world. My teaching world. Friendship world. My world. This fight (which I'd prefer to call 'war') is what frequently happening to me. All the time. Well, most times. Oh, my. It makes me terribly sick.

I'm just a thousand winds that blow...and I'm not sure how far I shine if I become a star...guess I'm not surprised to learn that I'm not shining at all (but I feel grateful that at least I am a star after all)... and this wind, or star, or whatever it is (whom I refer to as myself)- I want to make sure, will become an excellent one.

"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am not for others, what am I?And if not now, when?"

-Rabbi Hallel Quote-

The bride and I ~

Finally I arrived to KB this morning. I was the first to return to this rented house (which I'd prefer to call 'English mansion'). Lucky that I had a good night sleep in the bus because I need the strength to carry on settling all chores back here. I did some wash (clothes, bedsheets, and my dusty car too) as well as some cleaning. When I first arrived today, I was shocked to see a male goat at outside my house. The place was so dirty and smelly. I'll wait and see whether the owner will clean the place up or not.

I went to Miss Rosmanja's wedding right after zohor (sorry, no more 'Miss'- Mdm Rosmanja) alone. The route to her house was a bit confusing but I managed to find it with her help. This was my first time going to a Kelantanese wedding so I was excited to experience what's coming. The vast difference I found is that the bride is the one who is very busy doing the chores. At my place, the bride is the most relaxed person during the wedding. All she does is sit in the bride's room and wait for the bridegroom to come. People will only meet the bride if they go to the bride's room. And then they do not use 'kompang.' They used recorded songs. Meanwhile guests do not sit facing the bride and the bridegroom while they sit on the 'pelamin.' Oh yes. One embarassing incident I faced today during the wedding was, I went to take food from the men's area. How foolish I was! There were no table provided for guests (tables are for the bridegroom's family only) so I ate uncomfortably. Three of my students are there; they were very helpful and hospitable. If not because of them, I would have forgotten about coming to this wedding.

Kak Ros was very gorgeous. I took quite a number of pictures of her. I adored the bouquet of golden roses she hold (can't wait to have my own). I wish her a blessful family life and may all the happiness be with her. I could see from far, that her eyes were shining brightly.

I couldn't cook tonight because I do not know how to place the gas cover back to usual. Therefore tomorrow I plan to go to Marrybrown or Pizza Hut or Sim Garden for lunch. Or maybe I'll just buy instant pizza and place it the rice cooker. Well, maybe. Not sure what's coming. Everybody will be back by tomorrow and this mansion will be filled with stories and laughters again.

Before I forget, I want to mention once again that I admire Sunflares Plethora's blog, writing and everything about her. Just drop by her page to prove this. Now she's in my priority list already. She may not know me but that's not what counts. It's something else- the bond.

It's far away from home ~

Yes it's far away from home... but hey I am not alone... I brought these four friends of mine with me. I place them at the white window next to my bed...it feels like home and they really cheer up my life. You see, I am a fan of so many things e.g. fashion, cooking, art etc. but I am in no chance to do that or write anything about it. Sunflares Plethora for instance, is a very lovely person. Looking at her life she's going through, I admire her so much. :Looking at Ustaz Asri Ibrahims' for instance, I see myself a very small human being in this whole lot world. He makes me repent, and be very careful at any doings.

You know, this world offers so many exciting things to us. There are so many things we want to explore. But in this world too, there ARE limits to what we are doing. Sometimes I try to pretend that I have another kind of life which is very outstanding... just like the life everybody else wanted. Sometimes I fear that people will say that I'm not good enough. Sometimes I have a feeling that I am afraid of life I own. But it's too late. I gotta get through this no matter what it takes. The biggest effort I put is to pray. In school, I have to mingle with people of all ages... civil workers, clerks, senior teachers, students and colleagues. I thank God because they are very comforting and cordial. Friends are all very lovely and fun. Overall my life is okay but I am in a very busy situation. I have no life. I used to have. This is what this semester is all about. Hope this is going to be over soon. Very soon.

Pergi dan Kembali..

I have never wrote in Malay but today I felt like doing so therefore I wrote the title and they lyrics of a touching and inspiring song in Malay. It has been a while I have not write anything since I was busy with school, fasting and devising lesson plans for my teaching. Of course it was a tough week ever since I arrived back here in Kelantan but thinking about the upcoming Aidilfitri holiday, I felt stronger. I'm not losing this fight. InsyaAllah.

Here I want to share a lyric of a song entitled 'Insaf' or 'Repentance' from Rabbani. This song somehow gives me the strength to go through my current life.

Munajatku padaMu Tuhan
Ampuni dosa ku masa silam
sempurnakanlah hidup kami
Murahkan rezeki dengan nikmatMu
Jadikan ku hamba bertakwa
Tiang iman untuk agama

Munajatku pada Mu Tuhan
Ampuni dosa sekalian insan
Sempurnakanlah hidup kami
Murahkan rezeki dengan nikmatMu
Jadikan ku hamba bertakwa
Tiang iman untuk agama

Laillahillah..
Jauhkanku dari seksaan api neraka yang panas
Membuatkan manusia ingkar di dunia
Muhammadurrasullullah..
Terimalahku jadi umatmu
Ku pohon syafaat darimu
Beratkan neraca pahalaku nanti

Aku aniaya diri sendiri selamanya
Ku tak tertanggung duka dan dosa silamku


Laillahaillallah
Jauhkan aku dari seksaan api neraka yang panas
Muhammadurrasullullah..
Terimalahku jadi umatmu

Aku aniaya diri sendiri selamanya
Ku tak tertanggung
Duka dan dosa silamku..

Ya Allah Ya Allah Ya Allah...

p/s: I will try to write more often after this.

So the last couple of days I was busy fasting and went for terawih with my parents and sister. I was also busy with learning new recipe of chocolate and almond cookies with m0m's friend. And yesterday, I made one already. Not forgotten, I also made some of my own dishes for Iftar.

I am still feeling awkward with the first week of fasting month but I’m getting used to it. I love being at home in my hometown. It feels so warmth that everything falls into place. Currently I’m counting down the hours to go back tomorrow night.

The feeling of leaving this place is like I have to be on my own again. Actually I am and I have to. Indeed that is what life is all about. Therefore I now gather my courage to face the next step so that I will be very prepared for whatever that comes.

I am still new to this blogging thing but I received many supports from other bloggers to continue writing. I always love writing but there is still anxiety. As I am a final year student of TESL, it is my gratitude to publish my own posts… hopefully this somehow will benefit my students and whoever drops by my page. I was so amazed reading other bloggers’ writing. The beauty of words is dreadfully charming. I also love reading so I will spend some time reading blogs of my interest. If I want to read about young and lovely spirit, I prefer Sunflares Plethora. She is just so adorable, sweet and cool as well. One thing about her that is just so gorgeous is that she writes series of letters on conversations between the grass and the clouds! Overall I love her simply because there are many similarities we share.

Homely feeling would be Mary Poppins.’ My passion is sewing and I always dream that if I have ample time I would sew like her. I love all the design fabrics she uses. They are just so beautiful. I really admire her personal taste. I imagine if I am married and have no other occupation, I wish to be like her! Go and check both blogs to prove my words!

Thank you for all inspiring bloggers. I won’t be afraid no more. I hope to see myself happy, brave and have firm heart. I wish a very bright and meaningful days, always.

PRETTY BLUEBELLS to All Muslims- Wishing You "Salam Ramadhan"

Salam Ramadhan buat semua.. Selamat beribadah ~

Some things are better in its own way ~

"Some things are better left unsaid." That's what I believe. But it is hard to define what the "some things" are. It depends on how you perceive what you want to hear or not hear. When I overheard people said good things about me I'd say - "God, please forgive me." I pray that those things won't affect me and still keep me in this little world of mine. This happened when I was dreadfully busy working on my lesson plan. I heard my friend praised me.I am an introvert, so whatever that comes to mind, it cannot put that into words. It is wrong when people feel proud of themselves whenever people throw their compliments. Sinful, indeed. All we have to do is be thankful to God for His blessing. All good things is from Him. Anyway, thank you to all my lovely friends. They are all very gorgeous too. They just do not know how much I adore them (just because I don't know how to tell it).

Ustaz Asri, the most influential and well-known person in nasyeed industry has given a lot of impacts on me personally. The patience he displayed and wisdom he portrayed answer why he is such an admirable person. Most importantly, he was not a talkative person. He was a very down-to-earth person. He listened more even though actually it is his views and opinions which matter most. That is a very prominent charateristic which I admire in him. Not all people can do that. God loves him more- that's why He took him from your loved ones..

Mom, Dad..Wait for my c0meback ~

Life as a Practicum Teacher ~

For the time being everyone is homesick and can't wait to go back and meet their parents. Lucky for me that this week is the exam week for my school so no lesson plan to be prepared for this whole week. If I happen to teach, certainly shallows and delirium will overwhelm.

Life is always about how you deal with what you encounter. So thinking of the coming holiday may and may not be good because in one way or another it either cheers you up or makes your life upside down. Focus on what you currently should be doing would be the best solution. Taken from my all- time favourite series, it says - "...On such a full sea are we now afloat...and we must take the current as it serves...or lose the ventures before us..."

I woke up early this morning and finished two 'reflective journal' which was assigned for practicum teachers. It happened that our Head of Department came and checked our current progress in school... and God is Great- everything is fine..me and my colleague just need to make a little modifications here and there. School life has taken its place right in my heart (it's a learning process for me) and I know that the training I receive there will definitely help me face the challenging years for my future undertaking and at the same time help me become a better person.

From ME to ME: Your Smile is Contagious ~

Dear O dear,

Even though clouds will rage in
And the storms will race in
Even though heavy rains will pour down
And the waves will crash around
Your contagious smile is what it takes

Dreams may not come true
Yet hopes may not be so true to you
But I promise
Your contagious smile is what it takes

I never wanna see you in heartache
I never wanna see you on your knees
What I want so bad
Is the sweetest silence in your eyes

But I promise
You contagious smile is what it takes

With Arms Outstretched ~

I remind myself as well as to others- that little drawbacks should not deter us from achieving what we always wanted. Just now I can't help myself from feeling so down and blue. So as to heal it, I discovered something new:

This is something for us to ponder - little imperfections indeed, make people perfect.
This may not be related to what I encountered today in my class but it's something that we can value as time passes by ~

ME today

I feel very upset because my students from Form 4 did not submit their work. This is not because they did not submit their book but I think they didn't do it at all and so they lied. The lesson went very well especially the set induction part but towards the end I couldn't help showing my a dull face. Yeah, it seemed that they spoiled my mood. These particular students- I told them that I'm so upset that what they did disappoint me. The three of them just didn't focus or pay attention at all what more to do the work I gave.

I guess that I've been the best teacher I could- so tolerant and considerate- I facilitated them one by one, asked them what they need, what their problems were and so on. Actually the others are okay and obedient - but the three- the three musketeers were disappointing.

That's ME today.

Coz I'm an unbeliever

Why an unbeliever? The path less traveled is even more exciting and challenging. It's a search for more..of life..of ups and downs..in which we climb and crawl..in solitude or with someone else..

Gotta go there to come back ~

Every point of view has its own angle..but no matter what path we take, no matter how each people thinks, there's only one way back..that is to return to The Almighty.

The search for something more ~

There's messages in every path we take.. it's either one- whether we are aware of the 'messages' or not. How can we be sure that the path we take is the right one? I don't have the answer- guess I never will. We're only human, all that we can do is put an effort and pray. People always say that 'life is like a white cloth.' The journey is not a straight line. A little of bit of pain can make the cloth colourful. Some dark spots are inevitable.

The birth and the death ~

The days that we've been through is just a resting platform. One day there would be no glow in the morning and the day.. only the nights are fallen.. because we carry in our backs the burden..and there's no way to turn..